What It's Like To Realize Your Worth (trigger warning)

[originally published July 29 2019]

--- TRIGGER WARNING (but with a hopeful message) ---

I used to feel awful about myself. No, that's an understatement. I used to hate myself to the point of feeling suicidal. My mental illness drove me crazy - literally. I found negativity in every statement someone said. Every compliment I received I internally denied being true. I used to blame the world's problems on myself - I would get mad at myself for hours if I forgot to recycle something. I thought I couldn't find a boyfriend because I was fat and my face had extreme facial features.

Then, I learned something about myself that I had never realized previously. I am actually pretty amazing.

But it wasn't because people complimented me on social media or in-person. Social media, however, did play an important role. It was because I chose to follow Instagram profiles that uplifted me and filled me with joy and hope that I was able to learn to love and respect myself. That's right - I learned my self-worth. I had to surround myself with positivity in order to feel positive. There are so many profiles and blogs online that actually aim to help people find joy. Whatever type of uplifting community you need, there's one that exists! I found solace in the body-positivity movement and learned that I was worthy even though society might not find my body attractive (because your physical appearance has nothing to do with how worthy and lovely you are).

I learned that my lack of confidence was more-so the reason I didn't have a boyfriend. I'm still learning and growing in my self-esteem and self-respect. Some days my mental health is painful and other days I feel insecure and ashamed of myself. No one is 100% happy with themselves all the time. We all have internal flaws that shape who we are. The best part about being flawed is that we are always learning how to make ourselves and the world a better place. Our flaws have created both chaos and shimmering beauty in the world - just like the chaos and beauty that each of us holds within our own hearts. No one is perfect - the world isn't perfect - so we can't hold our flaws against ourselves. We can only become better, kinder, more understanding, more respectful, and more empathetic people (starting with ourselves).

Choose to surround yourself with gentle people, joyful social media, and brighter thoughts. It's okay to cry and think negative thoughts too, but know that you can always learn to be happier. Happiness is learned from other sources of happiness! Seek joy!

For those of you who are interested in following more body-positive accounts on social media, feel free to comment below and I'll reply with some amazing bloggers. xx